What Would You Say To Your Five Year Old Self?

May 11

What would you say to the 5-year-old you? What words of encouragement would you give them? What would you warn them about? What would you say to give them peace?

Inner child work has helped me immensely. I used to roll my eyes at the idea of talking to baby Cator, but now I know it was because I was so fearful of what would come up.

I’ve done this work fairly often in all the different organizations I have worked with from CTI to EVRYMAN and Boon Health. Because it works, it can break patterns, and it can really be the crux that gets us unstuck. Issues from childhood bubble up more than you think. When a boss says you didn’t do a good job on something, where does that sense of shame and feeling less than really come from? When we aren’t heard by our partners, where does that anger arise from? 10-year-old you still is hurting.

If you tell me your childhood was perfect my siren starts blaring.

LIE-ZA MINELLI!

We all have childhood trauma, from being bullied, to family issues, there is something from our youth that will always trigger us. Mine of course is bullying. I was bullied constantly for being artistic, feminine, swishy, having a ‘voice of a girl,’. You name it. This bullying baggage for me includes shame, feelings of being misunderstood, and staying quiet when I really need to speak my truth.

Every time I am asked to close my eyes and imagine baby Cator, what he is wearing, what he is doing, how he is feeling, the tears just explode from my eyes. He was so lonely, so scared of being found out, desperate for friends who he could be his authentic self around.

At some point in the 13 seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Ru began, what is now a tradition, of holding up photos of the contestants as young boys and asking them what advice they have for their younger selves. To see these magnificent queens in full makeup, beat wigs and flowing gowns nearly collapsing on stage when they have to answer this question was so profound for me. I was not alone.

Why is this work important? To heal old wounds, to address needs that were not met when we were children, to explore those parts of us that we are not enough. Once I sat with my childhood shame, I could release it in some part. When I had anxiety about my coaching exam, my coach and I sat with my inner child and recalled when test taking scared me since I had a learning disability. I would always freeze up and I didn’t want to freeze again. I sat with my inner child and told him how successful he would become for being himself, for his writing and later his coaching, and that exams aren’t everything, so go into it with ease, confidence and peace. It worked.

I urge you to try it. Take some quiet time, and think about little you. Set an intention. What do you want to get out of this? A closer connection to your partner? A reconciliation with a parent? A reckoning with your beliefs or lifestyle?

Close your eyes and imagine- What are you wearing? Where are you? Are you in your childhood bedroom? What does it smell like? What’s on the wall? What do you hear? Now, what would you say to little you? How would you comfort them? What would you like them to know? See what comes up and write it down. This can often be a richer experience when you are led by a coach or therapist, but if you want to try it alone, go for it.

There are various ways to connect to your inner child from meditation to journaling and even exploring a creative outlet you once loved as a kid. Get out the Play-Doh and paints! Writing your inner child a letter is always a good way to see what bubbles up. For my 45th birthday this week I wrote the letter below. It brought up so much, I got lost in remembering small things from childhood I hadn’t thought about in years both good and bad. It was cathartic on so many levels. Interested in doing this work together? I am here for you.

Dear Sonny (My childhood nickname),

While life starts out in a loving environment that allows you to be your gentle, sweet, caring self, hold tight because you will be bullied on a daily basis for years. It will cause you to retreat into your own world of art, animals, and family, where you feel safe and understood. It will also instill fear, anxiety and feelings of shame for years to come.

As you mature, so does society and when you are in high school it becomes ‘cool’ to be different and you begin to blossom. You build your glittering web of amazing friends and new experiences from skipping school to hang out at artsy cafes to experiencing your first taste of nightlife. Girl, you were HOOKED.

No matter how many friends you made, how many people hugged you at a rave, how many people told you your writing was wonderful, you could always hear those kids in school calling you a ‘faggot’. You drank too much, you were promiscuous and you blacked out too many nights to count because you wanted to forget your past.

Instead, all you needed to do is to look in the mirror and say, I love you, I am enough- and TRULY believe it.

While that perception of being less than can still creep into your thoughts, you now have the tools to sit with it, feel it, and let it go. We spend too much effort proving something that doesn’t actually require any proof don’t we?

Baby Cator, you are going to shine so bright people will have to squint when they see you coming! You will have some major ‘pinch me’ moments in your wild and wonderful life, but you will also taste the dirt when you fall hard. But I want you to know, it is all part of your journey and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

Happy birthday sweet angel.

I love you.

Cator